1st June 2005 - By Andy 'Feckarse'

Twas the night before Bagshot

Twas the night before Bagshot, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The cards and the chips were stacked with care,

In hopes that the Phatdogs soon would be there.

The dawgs were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of aces danced in their heads.

Andy in bed wearing his t-shirt sponsored by Gap,

Had just settled his brain for a long spring time nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen sun

Gave the lustre of nightfall on a new polished gun.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a nutter caked in camo paint without any visible fear.

With a rabbit skin hat keeping away the frost,

I knew in a moment Bazza must be lost.

More rapid than eagles his hounds they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Lindz! Now, Adz! Now, Marty and Dave!

On, Phil! On, G! On, On Pete and Steve!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off all!"

They just couldn't wait for the game to begin

Steve's looking rough, he's been on the Gin.

So up to the house the dogs they flew,

With Maarten, Kev, Craig, Del, Nick, Pete and Pete number two.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Bazza came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,

And he looked like Rambo, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the need of a poker game was beginning to grow.

Fuck off now Bazza, go tend to your fam,

This is Bagshot you know, you're not back in Nam!

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

Now onto the game that had promised so much,

Kev dealt the first hand with the slightest of touch!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

All his 'tells', gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He dealt the cards and then turned with a jerk.

Phil re-raising 6-2 unsuited, hoping for a call

To the cleaners he then promptly took us all

Lindz's Queen high straight got busted by Phil's boat

Dave and Marty's chips, cross the table they'd float.

Nick then Pete and finally Del

They wished they'd had better cards and "You Jammy Bastard!" they'd yell.

He stacked his chips, to his team gave the finger,

And away they all flew without wanting to linger.

But I heard him exclaim, as they went out of sight,

"Happy Poker to all, and to all a good-night!"