TCP Phat Dogs Game Report - Wednesday, 4^th May, 2005

THE  PHAT  DOGS  XXII  OLYMPIAD

Steve  Deadmoney

"Greetings to all you dog lovers (except those who qualify in the literal sense) and welcome to Sparrow's Nest, the new venue for the Phat Dogs Olympics. You join us here as we prepare for the marathon event with Britain's hopes running high - there's a huge field of 10 runners, and they're all British. Surely, this is one event where we can avoid complete embarrassment and win gold? (Note from the Amateur Athletics Association: Don't count on it!)

Warming up in this class field (I'm guessing working class) I can see Dave Sparrow "The Arrow" - hoping that home advantage will help him to a medal - he knows this place inside out. Alongside him are Pete "The Cunning Noodle" (aka The Slag), Kris "The Quiet Man", and Adam "Pay The Looking Price" who is anything but quiet, and has recently acquired a new sponsorship deal with Blue Shade Sunglasses.

Also in this line up are Emily B, the former model now looking for a recording contract (the jury's still out on whether she has the X factor), Graham "The Coroner" who claims he has "The Inside Edge", and Mr. Consistent, Phil, fresh from his Wycombe Masters victory and looking for a rare double.

The final group are "Quads" Marty - although no vehicles (4-WD or not) are allowed in these events, Baz "Mr. Entertainment" who with his military training will be trying to put the rest in stitches one way or another, and Steve Deadmoney - this seasons form-horse and the man they all want to beat (with a big stick).

They line up, sit down... AND THEY'RE OFF!   No, it's a false start (mis-deal). Already the size of this field is causing problems. Here we go again. This time they get away, and they're all jostling for the lead. Deadmoney's not looking comfortable... and he's fallen! I can't see Zola Budd in this race, so he must have tripped himself up! That's going to cost him (5 quid re-buy) - not a good sign on the first lap.

Also struggling is Adam - he's going well enough, but he's having trouble with those new sunglasses. Will his new sponsors be his downfall? Clearly he can't see much through those very trendy (in the 60s) shades, although alongside Emily he's indicating that he's still able to spot a big pair.

The lead is constantly changing, but there's clearly a gap established by the early front runners - Pete, Kris and Adam. The rest are just about staying in touch, but Deadmoney's living up to his monicker, having stumbled several times - that's surely going to prove expensive. The second pack is going along well, but Deadmoney's losing touch. He's making a move now, wildly rushing to try and catch up... He's closing in, and... oh dear, oh dear, he's done a Paula Radcliffe! That's curtains - it's all over for him.

It looks like he just couldn't handle the heat. No doubt there'll be an inquest - we'll see if we can get you a professional opinion. And that appears to be a cue - yes! Yes, the Coroner has been called (away). He never looked likely to stay with the pace, but now he'll be taking no further part in these proceedings. Now, over to the studio, where Sue Barker is on the sofa, looking to Roger Black. Or anyone."

<< Insert several hours of general tedium with very little happening except slowly the field gets whittled down - yeah, exactly like Big Brother, except no-one's going to use this to sell crap newspapers and you can't vote on the outcome. >>

And as you rejoin us here at the final run-in, good performances from most of the field have come to nought. Particularly harsh on Kris, who's just run out of the medals - bubbling under in 4^th. It's between Baz, Phil and Marty and they're running pretty much neck and neck. It's taking forever to get to the final run-in and in a moment of weakness, Mr. Entertainment - who is just starting to wane - decides to liven things up with a comedy call. Phil and Marty saw the funny side, and Baz takes the Bronze.

It's a close call in the finishing straight as Phil and Marty swap positions (ooh-er, missus! etc.)"

<< Insert about an hour of further commentary here- it was a very long straight. >>

"And as they get to the line (hey, I needed something to stay awake) the dozens of amazing hands have been forgotten by everyone present. And the Phat Dogs Gold Retriever is... Marty!"