Today's sermon is being given by Rev. Steve Deadmoney

(Head Honcho, Church of Linda The Evangelista for Hopeless Sinners, Woking)

So, let's big him up y'all, lemme hear ya say "Yeah!"    Again! Let me hear ya say "YEAH!"   Alll-righty then! Hee-arrr, toooo-night, speshhly via satellite (free-roll) from the good ole US of Americky, it's not just a simple shot fired at evil, nor even one of Gawad's actual Canons in the war against the Devil hisselff-ahh. Tonight, you lucky people, we bring you Gawad's very own weapon of Mass Instruction! So please... give it up, for The   Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright      Rrrrrrrrevron       Steeeeeeeeeeeeee - voooooh!

SPEAK TO ME NOW LAWAD, OR FOREVER SHUT THY GOB

Dictated into voice recognition software (MS Sermonizer version 2.1, so if I piss anyone off, it's probably just a glitch they haven't ironed out (accordingly I pray your forgiveness, you miserable, po-faced whingers - and remember, that's what Gawad himself says you should do, OK?) this 8^th day of June, in this year of our Lawad, annie dominatrix MMV.

Dealy bluvid readuzzz,

Furzly, lemme say that ah ayum, jez lak botha yoooou, a sinner! Say it wimme now, "We're ALLLL sinners!"   But praise Gawad, for he has cumta say-vuzzzz. "Praise Gawad!"  Ah am verreh lucky that Gawad found me, for ah wuz troooly lawst...  Urn-til...  wern day...  Gawad hisself shode me...  streetmap.co.uk.  (Ahm a poet with a mic, ah don't take no prizznazz, sen me all yo munny, cuz religion is ma bizznuzz!) So, ah found mah way agiiiin, an got m'ssilf back awwwn the road to Salivation!   Lemme hear ya say, "Woo!"

Ah dint hear a Woo from that man in pew G - may Gawad have mercy on yaw-ah soooole! "Mercy!"

I wanna tell y'all a lil stow-ry. It ain't no babble ferrytail neether. Thiz a troo storry ~ happen juz a few ahhhzz ago, annit happen to me.... Ah wuz awn mah way to play some poker (lemme hear ya say "Sinner!") an ah picks up mah fren, Bazzahhh. Lemme hear ya say "Shortarse!"

Now Bazza is wern of Gawad's creations too, proovin that indeedy, He do work in mizzteery-arse wayzzzz. But wern of Gawad's little critters he is, and Gawad lurrrrves to test uzz. Gawad's tesst ah ma faith came when He let ma fren poison hisself with the Devil's juice!   S'right, ahm talkin' bout alky-hol. (Lemme hear ya say "Cheers!")

Bazza wuz soooo far down the road tuh eee-ternal damnation, ah wuz gittin drunk on his fawarts! (Say it with me now - "Jee-zuz, Baz!"). Ah toll him right ther, 7 ahhz non-stop drinkin' gonna reck yo game, boy. "I aven?t gorra a gameboy, Stevo" he replaaad, addin "there's an offy just up here on the left" (lemme hear ya say "Satan's house!")

So ah spoke to the Lawad. "Lawad, how kin you let this happna ma fren? We-all no jez how merch our brutha need some leeg pointz, bein' as how he ain't popped his Phat Dawg cherry yet. How kin y'all let Lucifer mess widdis mine, an git hem all drunk n'all?" But Gawad din replah. Y'all ever notiz how He dodge all da tricky quiz-cherns? Lemme hear ya say "Yaw not singin' any more! Yaw..  not..  sing - ingg any more!"

So theyn, we all playin' poker, an lil ol Baz keep gittin crapt on frum a VERY great hat indeed. Lemme hear ya say "Holy Shee-yit!" Gawad wern takin no prizznazz 'seevnin. So, ah gave up a lil prayah fur Baz! "Lawad,  if yu ken see y'way clear te showin Baz th' erra o' his wayz, sober 'im up an lettim start winnin some handz, ah do bleeve he gonna mend his foolishnuz, give up the drink an all 'o the Devil's tim-tay-shunz, an ma faith'll never be in quizchern agin." Say it wimme now, "Ansa mah prayah!"

Well, y'no, a funny thang happen. Bazzah kept on loozin. Re-buy, re-buy, re-buy. Kee-bab munny - gawn! Mergency munny - gawn! Kidz pockit munny - gawn! Baz wuz buyin chips quicker 'n Rick Waller at the last open take-away. Ah felt sorry f'that man. Ah wuz so moved thut Gawad cud abandon ma fren, ah even gave him re-buy munny m'self.

Baz carried on losin'. Ahm thinkin' "Boy, yur goaner hell. Gawad muz be maddy pissed atchew." Ah wuz havin douts, mah blief was wanin, an m'faith wuz on the flowah. The Lawad was shure runnin' late. They say the darkiss tower is jus before dawn. Tecknickly, that ain't so (lemme hear ya say "Bullshit!"), but fer Baz, thaz eggzackly wha'appen. Gawad 'ad cum thru! Weed bin playin' so long, Baz musta soberdup, found iz braincell - e started winnin! "Thankya Lawad!" Juz wen ah wuz doutin 'im, E finally maydit. Lemme hear ya say "Betta late thun never, but y'cuttin it pretty dam fine!"

Next up, not only as e dodged def's door, eez only gon an won da game! I was thinkin t'm'self, "It's a miracle!" an that's wen it atcherley 'it me. Ah wuz the bubble. Ah kept that fucker in, wen ida bin in da moolah! Can ah gedda "Dorrty Fookah!"?

Wurs-still, mah bliefs an ma faith wuz all crusht to sub-atomic super-micro pixie-dust (lemme hear ya now "Ooooooh, technical!") Whyzat? you say. Becoz Baz wuz bluffin (lemme hear ya say "Sober, my arse!") Thazz right! Baz may only be pint-sized but like da Tardis, inside, 'iz stummuck iz much bigger, & can atcherley 'old ruffly 5 gallons. E giv da game away by askin 'oo 'ad drunk all iz Vodka (lemme hear ya say "You, ya bastad!")

So, conclusions? Easy:

Gawad's too bizzy to help ya, but the Devil looks after 'is own. An e's got aaaall da bess choons! Ah went 'ome an put one on for the Lawad - Ry Cooder: "I can't win". If ya can't beatem (at 'Oldem), join 'em. Alcohol 1, God 0. Ooo fancies a pint?

NB: Revron Stevo will be absent from church this Sunday, whilst he re-examines both his faith and his testicles (at length, except in the case of his faith).

Doubting Thomas & anyone else ready to call our bluff, can check Revron Stevo's credentials on Gawadnet:

Two years ago, he introduced Desmond Tutu, giving an address on "Sources of hope for a global future"

http://www.epiic.com/archives/2002/Tutu.html

and you can see him speak out in favour of gay bishops here:

http://www.thebcobserver.com/(gys3wszzapjige55taxmcwnl)/PrintArticle.aspx?ArticleID=6&IssueID=2

Revron Stevo studied at Harvard (Radcliffe College, class of '78) as you can see from the reunion page

http://classes.harvard.edu/college/1978/join.asp

For the record: Game played @ Lindsey & Graham's brand new venue, the "Thank you for not smoking palace". Others present: Andy, Dave, Adam, Baz, Steve and Nick. Nick was our honorary Dog for the night (a title usually reserved for the entertainment at stag dos) and took the reserve seat because Phil had a breakdown on the way over (pressure can do that). The Woo was in evidence again, as Lindz took both G & Adam from behind (nasty!) She had QJ (flopped a J) Adam had AK (flopped FA) and G had pocket 7s & flopped trips. As G started his premature celebration, the Woo worked its magic as Lindz hit trip Jacks on the turn. By the way, "She turned me into a NEWT!"

Before the freeze-out, I got all the decent cards I was going to see tonight (sod all after). Adam got very little all night, and G didn't fare much better. Dave found A5 & raised, so Lindz put him all in with J9. Dave called, and flopped 2 pairs - AA & 55. The Woo looked terminally ill. Needing either trip Jacks or 9s with only 2 cards left to go gives a 1.4% chance of winning. Except with the Woo... turn - J, river - J.

Nick played a tight, solid game all night - deservedly taking 3^rd place. So the heads up was the Woo vs. The Booze. The Woo looked to be in control, but Baz was the Dog with his own new trick - calling all-ins blind. Seriously. I guess he figured if Lindsey screaming at the cards to come can work, blind faith (actually blind drunk faith) might just be the antidote. He'd tried it earlier (Lindz all-in with A9o), and turned over pocket Jacks. In the final hand he did it again - only it was ever-so-slightly more spectacular. Lindz had A4, Baz showed 9,10. The flop was 10,10,9 - a full house for Baz. The Woo finally turned to Oow, and for good measure Baz also hit another 9 on the river. Never mind Lindz, have a fag (translation for the US market: cigarette - there's not enough Woo OR booze to change that sort of preference).