I walked the streets of
Lindz (aka Rock Bitch) Phil (aka Jack Nicholson) Craig (aka John Travolta, Disco Man and later to be known as... yes you guessed it TILTBOY) also there was G (aka Bill Hailey) 
Any case back to the game, well Jesus was winning everything and could do no wrong I sat back and thought who is this twat in my house canning everyone. But that’s poker I heard myself say, but secretly I already had my voodoo doll out underneath the table and with every hand that he won and it was a few. I stabbed a big needle into his arse. Secretly I was falling in love with Jesus. Back to the game. The first memorable thing that I can remember was John Travolta playing a text book move with his pockets 
oh my god we all knew what was happening , a shafting was a coming, the turn card was a club, SS had the flush, river card sod all, JT had lost the lot bar a few chips. SS was loud with of joy. I looked at JT, and saw a small tear in his eye, everyone was being sympathetic, the poor bast*** I thought, but with a smile on my face I took great joy in saying those magical words, SHIT HAPPENS, I looked at SS and smiled. JT was still crying. 
The game moved on a hand or two, JT was in again I think it was with rags and against whom I have know idea, all I remember was that his cards where spanked out of sight, a new nickname had been born, TILTBOY was born. But John Travolta was not the only Titlboy of the night, sat next to me was Dellboy, who proceeded to loose hand after hand after hand after hand, I did feel for dell but when he had lost again and him and JT where swapping handkerchiefs to wipe away the tears, I kindly reminded him that Shit Happens, as you can imagine it went down like a wet fart in a spacesuit. Secretly I was chuckling again inside. I myself was gathering a tasty little pile not as big as Jesus across the way from me, oh praise the lord I say praise the lord. But a nice little pile. But DB got his revenge and by it must have felt sweet for him. I went all in on 4 7, crazy guy that I am, DB called with pocket 6's, the flop came 7 5 3, I was ahead, oh I was chuckling my little bollocks off. The turn card was a 6 I had flopped me straight I stood and started to do a jig, the old Irish jig I was laughing , shouting squeezing my little nuts with excitement, then yes you guessed it the river card was a 4, delboy had dropped the full house, he looked at me, because at that point I was physical crying
The game began. JM, second hand into the freeze out, had gone all in against whom I cannot remember, he said that pots odds will see him through this , underneath the table I was giving it the wanker sign, you talking shit I thought, but if he had won I would have been humble and kissed JM lovely arse. He lost - now there are only two things people remember at a game of poker at the dogs night is who did the WALK OF SHAME and who went out on the BUBBLE. JM was gracious in his defeat, I secretly laughed me little bollocks off. Pots odds my arse. But know sooner had I stop laughing when I had gone all in, Jesus I thought this is the kids milk money & sweetie money, my sodding penny jar money that I had saved 3 weeks for. I was against Bill Hayley. Of all people I know, I can feel the pain every time BH goes in, he slam down his cards, pockets aces, I knew I was shafted, I prayed for a miracle, I looked across at Jesus across the table and prayed for some divine intervention, 
Sorry Nick. The blinds went up G shouted quite clearly 4/8 he said again 4/8, Lindz the Rock Chick who had just returned form the planet Zorb asked what the blinds we all shout 4/8 you dozy cow. The Rock Chick shrank to the size of a small pig’s testical in embarrassment. I felt for Lindz at that moment Steve was still gobbing off, noisy bastard, the Parkinson was getting bad now. Jack Nicholson made a move, now I have a lot of time for JN, but never have I seen a man guard his five pound note so fiercely, the words tight bastard did come to mind though, but JN is one of my favourites, I love the hairy beast. He had gone in against DM, JN had A 9 DM had A J, I could see the disco ball spinning around DM head, I could hear the words of the song 'ha ha ha staying alive, staying alive' DM was strutting his stuff, the cards flopped, I heard a strange sound and looked under the table to see JN shining his axe under table, I felt slightly worried, would he murder us all if he lost, I was lucky I was near the door, bollocks to the rest I thought, I looked across at Jack, he had a strange smile on his. My sphincter slightly tighten, your on your own DM I thought, the cards came down, Jack was out, I thought very quickly on my feet what can I do to calm the situation down, I handed him my handkerchief which was soaking from my earlier loss, which unfortunately earlier I had also blown my nose on, secretly I was smiling again. Jack wiped his eye, with a small bogey stuck to his eyelids, stood up in a flash and was gone. Till we meet again Jack. I then went to the toilet which to be honest was a wee while, I could hear SS even in the bogs, so I knew by now I was fucked with my beloved, I heard a big roar, I entered back into the arena, to see BH holding his head, he had just taken a big hit and I had missed the Oscar audition. 
Dam I was pissed off with that; I love seeing BH go through the motions. It’s just beautiful. The next hand BH was up against DB, the raw emotions of what was going on inside BH heads was unbelievable, I looked round the table, we was all there with DB, he started to tell us that should he shouldn't call but he did, but now should he have, Jesus I feel like crying when BH goes all in, I felt for DB who was wondering what the fuck was going on. BH ultimately won, we all breathed a sigh of relieve, 
I whispered into DB ear 'SHIT HAPPENS'. HP was next up, not having had sod all all night he made his move with AJ against SS 22 I think, whatever it was it was rags. SS won, HP was gutted, I felt for him, I tried to hug him to console him, but he pushed me away, I knew that this was not the time for my words of wisdom. He was hurting. I remember what happened next like it was but a few minutes ago even though it is days later. Jesus and RC, who had been canning us all night where having a heads up against each other, Jesus had A 4 I think and RC had Q T, I think Jesus made a larger raise, RC called it, the flop came rag rag ACE, Jesus made a large bet, RC pondered for ages, then unbelievably re-raised, with a massive, let me say again a massive re-raise, Well Jesus then had know idea, where he was now, I could see him moving on his chair, had he just dropped a large deposit in his lion cloth. He pondered for ages, then through the cards in, RC had bluffed the pot, Jesus was gutted, it must have felt like those nails being banged back into his hands and legs, been, it had to have hurt. Jesus was mortally wounded. RC just smiled. A few hands later and Jesus was still talking about the hand that got away, he was bleeding all over my dining room. The RC grew in nature, I felt like I was sat next to Mel Lofthouse. My bloody hero, of course I never told her that because her head was massive now. Jesus was still crying uncontrollably. It was not a pretty sight. Bill Hayley was next up against Shaking Stevens. Of course BH went through his normal routine, but I think he must have a new movie coming up because this was a good one, I sat back in awe watching him, so much pain. He said and I quote' I have to make a stand' at that moment I had a vision of BH, as if he was at the Alamo and he
I have tried to find some links on the tinternet to explain some of my fellow poker pros, please do check them out.
Please make all donations to the 'savemyarse' & to the 'nosexforaweek' appeal. All donations will be greatly appreciated.
I shall leave you all with these words 'yeah tho I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil? 'for I have found the love of my fellow poker players' I love you all.
PS. It is now 4 days since the poker at mine and my hand is killing.
I Love you all, please don't take any offence to this written article, for it is to be taken in the spirit it was written with fun in mind.
Bos and Dave I luv you too.
Your good friend Baz
bravenet.com