THE  TCP  PHAT  DOGS  BAFTA  AWARDS

Steve Deadmoney

Hello, good evening, and welcome to Adamski Towers Hotel, right here in very the heart of the West End (of, er... Wokingham). Gathered here tonight were all the bluffers and blaggers, bullies and tight arses - all hoping to walk away with one of the inaugural Phat Dogs BAFTA (Bullshitters And Full Tilt Amateurs) Awards, with fantastic cash prizes - 110 quid to the winner alone - plus an all-expenses paid trip to a Hollywood casting couch! Actually the winner isn't being sent to Hollywood, or even Las Vegas. Sent to Coventry, maybe?

In a packed programme tonight, we had a huge field of 10 players, all hoping to walk away. Yes, obviously with the main award, but mostly hoping that their legs would still work after this marathon sit-down event. Frankly, when my arse is this numb, I've usually parted with a big wad of readies (plus another, lesser wad) to a leather-clad vixen who insists on calling me "bitch". And there the similarities with tonight's events end.

This was an all-action blockbuster event, with all-ins happening every 5 minutes up to the freeze out. A few of us that didn't hit any decent hands felt compelled to go all in just to feel part of the proceedings. Quite what our newest guest, Pete, made of it all remains to be seen. He certainly put on a good performance in the early stages - easily enough to take the first award - Best Newcomer. So, congratulations then to Pete, who won an early bath. Given that we already have one Pete (The Slag), if our guest becomes a regular, we'll have to come up with a new nickname - Pete (The Sequel)? Pete (The Revenge)? Let's wait and see if we scared him away first, and if he doesn't come back, Peter Rabbit? Seriously though, Pete - well played and do come back again soon.

The ridiculous frequency of the all in betting wasn't entirely unjustified, however, as big pairs were in evidence all night. No, we weren't watching porn - it was all far uglier and even more predictable than that, although a pizza delivery wouldn't have gone amiss. .AA at least half a dozen times, and KK probably into double figures - like a galaxy of stars at a premiere, they'd be so much more attractive if you were the one with them.

Meantime, Pete the Slag, after building up a massive chipstack mid-game that looked totally invincible (someone had to gain from those all-ins), managed to lose all his chips; I'm not sure how he did it - I was too busy marvelling at the fact that he didn't lose his marbles straight after. Maybe he applies the same philosophy to poker as he does to his women - easy come, easy go. Congratulations, Pete - you won the Crash and Burn Award.

And now we come to the Best Sob Story (that no-one gives a rat's arse about) Award. For failing to see barely a decent hand all night, in joint second place were our host, Adam, plus Marty and Lindsey. They were all early casualties tonight. But the winner is yours truly, Deadmoney (hey, as long as I'm the one making this shit up... ) An all-in bet pre-flop against Dave was (eventually) called. My tens looked good against 44, better still when I made trips on the flop, only to see two more hearts making four on the board and Dave giving thanks to the gods of poker as his 4H flushed away my remaining chips.

I didn't mind that. As Dave found out, the gods tend to be very fickle and he eventually walked away with the award that no poker player wants - The Bubble Award. I think the prize for that was everybody feigning sympathy - I'm no great judge of people or their acting ability, I just assumed that everybody was feigning it because I was... sorry, Dave!     (Yeah, I am still in character).

And so to the main event - The Over-Acting Bullshitter Award. The 3 nominees (in alphabetical order) are:

Baz (Mr.Entertainment) for "Excessive Cheek" (not comedy, just using his chips to blag away opponents).

G (The Coroner) for his epic, tortured performance in the long-running saga, "Recounting Chips - Part VI"

and Phil (Mr.Consistent) for "Nothing Can Be A Really Cool Hand, But Only In The Movies"

And the winner is- G! We'd all like to congratulate you whole-heartedly. Very few of us can match your dedication to winning - your victory and this award are well-deserved. Fortunately we've overrun, so there's no time left for an acceptance speech. Suffice to say you've waited long enough, but then didn't we all...