PHAT DOGS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
FOR ATTENTION DEFICIT / HYPER-ACTIVITY CHILDREN
AND FUCKWITS OF ALL AGES
ADVANCED THEOLOGY - PAPER 2
:IS THERE A GOD?
AND WHAT BISCUITS WOULD HE PREFER?
(Not so much a mock exam as a piss-take)
TIME ALLOWED: Eternity, or whatever...
STUDENT'S NAME: Steve Deadmoney
FORM: Good start to the year, but gone off lately. Must try harder...
Well, I suppose it's a question of what you mean by God. Different cultures express their view of God in many varied ways. Liverpool fans will point to the signing of Fowler, and tell you that the Charlie Boy is Heaven sent. They are delusional, he is a false profit (I know, I've checked the club's accounts). True fans of the beautiful game know that the Lord's name is Rooney, and that he does indeed move in mysterious ways - my granny told me...
If there is a God, it's safe to assume that He (She? No, don't go there - we only have eternity to answer) doesn't just watch over football. Surely by definition, He is both omnipotent and omnipresent? Which would mean that He is watching as I write this. Hmmm... scary? Not for an atheist. But am I right to dismiss the idea out of hand when I could be smote at any second?
What if I've already been er... smut? (seems appropriate) and I don't really exist? If none of us existed, then that would be... actually, that would be Philosophy and even I'm not that much of a dosser. Must stay focussed.
So, is there a God? And how do you go about answering that question? Logic would say look at the evidence and weigh it all up. And logic would conclude that if you have a gun in your hand, Dick Cheney just shot you and you have failed to take that opportunity to give your Samuel L. Jackson Pulp Fiction speech before laying the mofo to waste (later claiming self-defence), then there is no God. Or worse still, He's a Republican.
Maybe I'm bigging Him up too much. Maybe His powers just aren't up to the bigger challenges of life? Or are there Gods for all aspects of life? Certainly that's a theory that has currency in my world. After all, poker has GodS, not just the one that's shared with all and sundry. This much I know for a fact. How else could you explain the outrageous results thrown up by the most awesome game ever created (that's A.W.E.S.O.M.E. by the way America - not Ossum, which means "sounds good, but I'm not entirely sure what you actually meant"). Obviously poker was created on the 8th day, after the basics when He (or They) realised what was missing.
OK, so I'm rambling, but fuck it, this is Theology so I reckon it's pretty much compulsory. I think I reach my pass mark when the second person to read this falls asleep. Yay! Tedium rocks! Or not, as is in fact the reality of the situation. And that's why poker has GodS plural - to make things interesting. So interesting in fact, that I reckon Holdem is the new religion, and every player has their own God. Heaven is any cardroom, and the angels are those that call you when you've got the nuts, and lay down to your bluffs.
Obviously the Poker Gods can't all represent at the same time - whoever heard of a split pot between all players? From this we can conclude that our games are merely a journey to discover who has got their God with them. This week's journey was (appropriately) held chez Jesus, or "The Stable Under The Stars" as he's named his gaff. Being his first hosting of the Dogs, this was a christening - and judging from the number of shades on view, there was no shortage of godfathers.
So, let's compare the scene last night with the Christian nativity:
Nativity Stable Under The Stars
Mary and Jo Mary-Joanna
1 baby Jesus 1 jesus AND 1 baby
1 angel Lindz. ('Kin 'ell - this weed really is strong... )
3 wise men Errr... what?
1 ass Deadmoney
3 camels 20 Benson & Hedges
3 shepherds 16 flockers
1 lamb 15 lambs (to the slaughter)
1 star 1 jammy bastard
A bit of animal poo (holy crap?) 10 tons of bullshit (unholy crap)
As you can see, the Christians don't stand a chance in poker (please don't write in, I promise to retract that next week if you'll just... leave me alone). Actually, I don't have to recant anything. Jesus was playing tonight - let the facts speak for themselves. Did He even make the final table? Did He bollocks! See below: Where's Wally Jesus? And is He doing coffees? The Almighty may love a sinner, but no biscuits is clearly a route to eternal damnation... as is written in the McVitie's-Fox scriptures. No biscuits??!!?? That's a mortal sin.
"You're not preaching any more"
The more mathematical players like to think their style of play gives them a better chance of finding Heaven (or in bigger tournaments, Nirvana). So, I was delighted when Ping Pong Phil took the Walk Of Shame - a dead end street that we've all been down - it only leads to purgatory. Couldn't happen to a nicer bloke (former league leader). Obviously the poker Gods don't appreciate these cold, calculating minds.
Other Gods were definitely present, but not those with our holy host who was caught JKo by Craig (TT) and followed Phil out. But not literally - it was His house after all. Guest disciple, Mark, ran into our Voodoo God (Lindsey's Woo) - Mark had QT suited, but the queen of Phat Dogs surely knows that God isn't a queen - the Lord is our King. Actually a pair of kings.
And who could challenge that? Certainly not me. As The Woo twice came from behind and beat me, I could only take comfort from the fact that it saved me a trip down the Oxford Road and quite a few notes for the same thing later... No, this was going to take someone with a much stronger God than the SmutMeister in whom I'd had so much faith. He'd obviously deserted me to attend a Julian Clary gig or something. Fuck it, and not a comforting biscuit in sight.
And it wasn't just my god that went missing. Dave Two Chairs found out that neither of them was placed alongside his deity. Our other guest, Dave S, and The Coroner were both godless - struck down by a single hand. They both had AQ, but that was no match for the plague of 2 pairs on the flop for Lindz (AJ) leaving them virtually without a prayer. Confirmation came when there was no miracle Q.
As it came to sorting the top 3 for the money and league points, Lindz was definitely looking possessed. Sitting in her way were Nick (Harry Potter) who had put his faith in Hogwarts magic, and Craig (Disco) who's only God seems to be the Spirit Of Cash Acquisition.
Harry's magic deserted him when he raised all-in (A4) against Craig who called with AKs. I thought it was a mistake, I must confess, but Nick failed to repent. God loves a sinner, but apparently the whole owning up thing is mandatory to reach The Promised Land. Score 1 for the Catholics.
So, the heads up was The Woo vs Disco. Armageddon! Would the Voodoo Woo do Disco, or did he have the right moves for Wednesday Night Fever? It looked improbable that he'd dance his way into Heaven - some of us have seen his dancing (sick) before. But just as the queen put her faith in womankind being the highest power, she ran out of dolls to stick pins in. Calling all in with Q7 (the computer hand) I was fully expecting modern technology to rescue her from Disco's (no doubt, soon to be) 4King hell.
And there it was on the flop - a 7 to make her pair, with a couple of other rags. It was about this time that Craig said a silent prayer for (nearly) all of us: Dear God, please! Don't be a woman - or there's no hope for any of us. Save me now, and I promise to spread the Gospel of "Told You So".
Dearly beloved, and ye of little faith, there IS a God (or two or three) and we saw him! HE appeared on the turn, and Disco's prayer was answered as we all watched in awe as the King appeared before us. The diamond geezer had saved mankind and the pearly gates (just above cloud 9) opened up for Craig.
Nice one bud! (dha)
If you are a delusional woman affected by the content of this report, repent your sins now, get the kettle on, and if you DON'T forget the biscuits, I'll put in a good word for you.
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