THE  WINNER  TAKES  IT  ALL

(THE PISS, THAT IS...)

Steve Deadmoney

24^th May, 2005 - Adamski Towers Stadium, Wokingham. This gig is a sell-out - we're all here to witness the power of The Woo (newcomers, please read the game report of Feb 9^th for details). It didn't start out that way of course - no-one was paying good money for a cheap magic show. OK, it wasn't cheap, but then I don't particularly think of losing all my chips as being "magic" either. So I guess that would actually make it an expensive, unfathomable nightmare. Uri Geller would be proud - none of it makes sense; you know its all bullshit; but what can you do?

Along with the usual mongrels (plus the two extra Petes) we had yet another first timer - Diana. She may have been a bit wary at first, but as a professional singer, she surely had no nerves about taking on the Dogs. Yes, professional singer - Diana is the foxy blonde Agnetha in the ABBA tribute band, Bjorn Again. And by the end of the evening with no chips left, I for one was hoping that I would be. Bjorn Again, that is, not Agnetha.

I started the evening thinking "I have a dream", then quickly moved on to "Gimme gimme gimme" (another fiver in chips), which was met with a chorus of "Money! Money! Money!"   "On And On And On" it went, then it was "S.O.S." as my chips kept "Slipping Through My Fingers."  "Mamma Mia!" My cards were so poor that any picture seemed to be singing "Take a chance on me."

I know what you're thinking - "Didn't ABBA write a song called "Shut the fuck up"? No, they didn't, but I will; (respect your wishes). They didn't even do a cover of "Shaddupaya Face" (Joe Dolce), but I'm sure I wasn't the only one thinking THAT by the end of the night.  "Woo-ooo!" In the old days, you'd have the judge putting on black headgear before pronouncing the death sentence. Lindsey just woos the cards she needs - and you don't even get a final request before she kills you.

Not that my bad beat was really any worse than anyone else's; I was just that stunned that I can't remember the crap that the others had to endure. I'd just recovered from having 900 in chips (post freeze-out - the small blinds were 800!) So, I'm back to about 5-6,000, and finally get my first decent hand (JJ). I went all-in straight off - I WANTED to be called. Lindz did, and showed just one overcard with her A9o. Yee-ha! I'm a big favourite now. Or was - right up to the second Lindz started: "Woo aces and nines! Woo aces and nines!" The effect of the flop was all the more intense, as I dealt the cards myself - 99A. Lindz had flopped a house. No worries, I still have an out - as long as the next 2 cards are the other 2 jacks... Yeah, right. Next week I'm bringing a "lucky" sock for Lindz to use. Or a ball-gag. Both! And a bagful of doughnuts with superglue glazing...

NEWSFLASH! We interrupt this report on last night's game to bring you amazing news from Istanbul - the Champions League Cup Final. Just before half time, with AC Milan beating Liverpool (G's team) 3-0, I jokingly sent a text to Lindz suggesting that she should woo a goal for Liverpool. "Woo Gerrard and Baros! Woo Gerrard and Baros!" Second half, G calls me to tell me she was saying exactly that when Gerrard got the first goal back! As I write, its 3-3. Meanwhile, back at the tribute to The Jam...

Oh yeah, the rest of the game. I managed the same nowhere as most of the rest, just avoiding the bubble that G undeservedly took. Adam managed 3^rd, and Straight Pete (whose greater poker experience was starting to show) was left to deal with The Mighty Woo. It was like a Disney movie - so predictable you knew the ending from the start. Pete made all the right moves, and in the deciding hand was ahead when the cards were turned up. "Woo queens and tens! Woo queens and tens!" It wasn't actually a dancing queen - but Lindz was doing enough to qualify for that title. Game over. I was still shaking my head in disbelief when I woke up this morning - and no, NOT because I dreamed I was Agnetha singing "I do I do I do I do I do" ... It was "Disillusion"

And here for all ABBA fans, and the dancing queen (that's Lindsey, not Lionel Blair) herself, is my very own tribute to last night and the power of The Woo:

(To the tune of Knowing me, knowing you) - hey, and the lyrics (almost) fit too!

No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Staring at a jammy full house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing Lindz, and her Woo (dorrtyfookah  -haa!)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing Lindz, and her Woo (dorrtyfookah  -haa!)
We just have to face it, this time we're screwed
(This time we're screwed, this time we're screwed
This time we're screwed, we're really screwed)
Bad beats are never easy, I know so I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing Lindz, and her Woo
She'd win with 7,2

Mem'ries (mem'ries), good days (good days), bad days (bad days)
They'll be (they'll be), with me (with me) always (always)
In these old familiar rooms poker we'd play
Now I've lost my chips, got nothing to say

Knowing Lindz, and her Woo (dorrtyfookah  -haa!)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing Lindz, and her Woo (dorrtyfookah  -haa!)
We just have to face it, this time we're screwed
(This time we're screwed, this time we're screwed
This time we're screwed, we're really screwed)
All-in calls are never easy, I know now I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing Lindz, and her Woo

(Even Mi-lan got screwed)

Rafa Benitez - Lindz is expecting your call...