A SPECIAL REPORT BY OUR SPECIAL NEEDS CORRESPONDENT

Hippy New Year!

(Peace and love, man...)

So, how was it for you? Did the earth move, or was it just the ceiling revolving when you got to bed? However you celebrated the New Year, I hope you had a good one and wound up fucked one way or another. I know I was - my bank manager wrote to me this month specifically to tell me that. More than once. Being somewhat on the conservative side, he requested that I call in to discuss a return to the traditional arrangement whereby I bank with them, as opposed to the other way around. And thats the only c**t that I've seen lately.

Only kidding! George Bush was all over the news...

So, enough of my problems (a temporary lull - as I'm sure our regular readers will be well aware, I'm not exactly shy about bemoaning the bastards that wreak misery on my humdrum existence). Although there haven't been any Phat Dogs games for what seems like ages, we haven't been sitting around on our arses doing nothing! Oh no! We've been sitting around on our arses watching telly, getting pissed and eating foods that are bad for us. OK, that's possibly just me, because somehow the rest of Dogs have ushered in a radical new era. Yep, its all change at the kennels, and the excitement is as tangible as if someone had said "Walkies!" Yes, it really is mildly exciting. Imagine you've gone to your favourite Indian restaurant to try out their brand new curry creation, only to discover its called Korma lite...

"For fuck's sake! Get on with it!" I hear you cry. OK, well, we decided that it was high time that our most regular guests became more involved in the proceedings (the date of our court appearance has yet to be announced). And so the Dogs are about to increase in number from 9 to 14. We have already had the acceptances from our 5 new members, but technically they're not all in yet, as we decided that first they should each be obliged to give a short presentation as to why they should be a Phat Dog. The format for each presentation is up to the individual, and this night we had the first from the Doc (aka New Pete, aka Pete Griffiths).

Although I was glad that the inane "New Pete" title had been dropped, I wasn't entirely sure how Pete had become "Doc" - so I asked him. I was perfectly willing to accept that I am Grumpy, and that any one of us could be Sneezy at this time of year. But are any of us ever truly Happy? And whilst I can't imagine which of the Dogs could be considered Bashful, I'm spoilt for choice with Dopey. As regards the notion of Lindz being Snow White, not even my imagination stretches that far.

Maybe he's called Doc because he has a lot of patience? (sic) Or possibly just a bunch of hypochondriacs? (not sic at all). Maybe he sees himself as the reincarnation of another famous poker player, Doc Holliday. Nowadays of course, 90% of all Doc holidays are paid for by bribes from the pharmaceutical industry via their GP slush funds. Which, via the most tenuous of links, brings us to the real reason - "Doc" has a PhD in chemistry.

Imagine my disappointment when Pete's presentation turned out to be a brilliantly delivered and most amusing poem, instead of a demonstration using his chemistry set on how to make class A narcotics for peanuts. I know, I know, peanuts don't use narcotics, but I for one would have appreciated a small insight into the world of making a fortune out of mixing a few chemicals together (see paragraph 1).

This also got me thinking about other presentation formats for our newest members. So, for those who have yet to be initiated, I'd like to suggest the following:

1. Craig "Disco" Napier.

Craig - I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I speak for all the Dogs when I say that this is the only time you are likely to see #1 against your name in anything poker-related (unless of course there are additional digits immediately adjacent). If you were an extra in a movie, it would have to be "The ego has landed". Please make your presentation in mime.

Presentations only need to be short - we reckon 3 minutes is about right. However, 3 minutes is pretty ambitious in this instance (I'm running a sweepstake on exactly how long you can keep quiet, and so far the bets are all measured in seconds...)

2. Fred "Del Boy" Delahuntey.

Del is always up for a laugh and likes to be involved in everything (no wonder he believed us when we told him one of our events was fancy dress). I think if we asked Del to demonstrate how to make a Phat Dog out of modelling balloons whilst singing "How much is that doggie in the window?" he'd do it. There ya go then Del - that gets my vote. Do it & I'll pay for your first rebuy.

3. Nick "Harry Potter" Harvey.

Nick has promised us a Powerpoint presentation, but sadly I doubt the subject will be as magic as "Who would win Celebrity Death Match - Paul Daniels vs. David Blaine?" (Answer: Everybody! 1 down, 1 to go!) I digress. If Nick is Harry Potter, then I'm the stoned philosopher drinking from The Goblet of Ire. No matter, the HP monicker is here to stay, and Hedwig has just delivered this message regarding the subject of his presentation. "How to make a simple potion that really can keep Craig quiet, and what grade of broomstick is required to get to the next WSOP?""

4. Jonathan "Jesus" Gridley.

Christ! Where should I start? I need divine inspiration to whittle down the options here. My first thought was show us how to turn water into wine, but I know it would only take a nano-second before someone points out that the water that makes up 90% of MY body has already been turned into whine. Perhaps our Jesus can explain the true ethnicity of Jesus Mark 1? I can't make my mind up whether was Jewish or black, so let's briefly examine the arguments:

If such theological questions are too taxing, we could settle for a minor miracle - get Craig to admit he's merely an average player. Sorry, did I just say minor? Alternatively, I personally would be delighted if you could do the Burning Bush thing again. Only in Washington. To a crisp, please.

If you're still with me, by now you might be wondering about the game itself. This was hosted by Graham (The Coroner) and Lindz (The Woo). In attendance were myself, Phil (Ping Pong), Dave (Two Chairs), Nick (HP), Pete (Doc), Baz (Mr. Entertainment), and Marty (Quads). After some early aggression from Dave, a mood of caution set in - nobody wanted to be embarrassed in the first game of the year. Fat chance!

There was one particularly notable hand before we got to the freeze-out when Baz quintupled his stack with JKoff. Apparently JKo is something that Baz has become quite an expert at (or should I just say he's an old hand?), so when he then told us to "watch and learn", we all politely refused...

Shortly after the freeze-out, G was low stack and took the first Walk Of Shame of the year. Lindz felt obliged to call him with AK suited, and G turned over his AJ unsuited. Lindz was on top, G was dominated, and there was to be no mercy. Did I mention how much poker mirrors life? Considering he started the New Year the same way as he ended last year (in the Chew Chip Cup) he took it well. Maybe that was his resolution - NOT to over-react. The rest of us had resolved to change nothing about our reactions - we took the piss.

On the very next hand I had my first bullet of the night - A9 suited to be exact. Being the new short stack, when Dave put me all in I decided it was time to take a chance (they don't call me Deadmoney for nothing ya know!) Two chairs had pocket 10s that turned into a house on the turn - game over.

Marty (AQ) fell next to Nick's pocket 3s. Despite a Q on the river, HP's pair won courtesy of being made into trips. The Doc then found himself pot-committed with a big slick after the flop. Dave put him all-in having hit top pair (Qs), and the rags that came on the turn & river were NOT what the doctor ordered.

Nick tried to get some value with pocket Js, but Lindz had already made 2 pairs (Ks & Ts) when he decided to move all in. Back to Hogwarts for a few more magic lessons! Baz was given a reminder of just how fickle poker can be. All-in with a German Virgin (99) - that's entente cordiale in practice for you - he looked a big favourite against The Woo who showed a pair of ducks. There was no extra 2 for Lindz to make trips, but when 4 spades landed on the board she'd made a flush, and Baz was the first Bubble this year.

In the money were Dave, who came 3^rd when his A2o was called by Ping Pong with KJo. Phil didn't pair either card, but the straight he made was more than adequate. So heads up was Ping Pong vs. The Woo. Lindz started about 3 to 1 up in chips, but caution had returned. Over 20 hands before we saw a flop - that's respect. Or is it fear? In over an hour's "play" there were no more than a dozen cards seen by the spectators. Ultimately, time became the biggest factor, and with roughly even stacks, they decided to split the pot and share the league points.

So, as usual, New Year + new resolutions = same shit.

P.S. You probably noticed I typed "c**t" in the first paragraph. This was merely a way of avoiding any upset to those that don't approve of the word cunt. I hope it didn't spoil your enjoyment.