LOOK!   NO HANDS!

Steve Deadmoney

I can (just vaguely) recall how, in my youth, that expression would be a triumphant claim - perhaps when riding a bike, or doing something clever (although obviously NOT JKo... ) These days (and this Wednesday in particular), it's just another sad excuse for a pathetic holdem performance from a grumpy old git. Errr... that's me, by the way, although G might reasonably be mistaken for Victor Meldrew after being beaten on any given hand ("I don't belieeeve it!")

Anyway, I've finally come to realise that whilst growing old guarantees no maturity whatsoever, grumpiness is pretty much a foregone conclusion. This was a fact I confirmed on Tuesday night, whilst getting hammered with a few old school mates. The more the Shepherd Neame disappeared, the more our true nature emerged, and we spent most of the evening bitching about the failings of today's "yoof" and how much better everything was when we were younger. Yup, witless.

Oh fuck! I'm turning into my parents, and pretty soon I'll be spouting all those so-called pearls of wisdom that the aged are so fond of. They call it "Crinkly Lore", and trust me, it's all bollocks.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"

Wow! Just imagine! A panacea for all ills - except presumably stomach ache from too many apples? Come off it - I'm supposed to believe you take that concoction of prescription medicines every day just because you're too old to go scrumping? Save it.

"Where there's muck, there's brass"

Well, yes, but that's not so much a pearl of wisdom as it is a business principle for contract cleaners, sewage plant employees and some environmental workers.

"Many a mickle makes a muckle"

I see. Very interesting. And you're still claiming that you and dad never took drugs, are you?

My grumpiness wasn't exclusively down to the fact that I was dealt a bunch of rags every hand, although that didn't help. I was still suffering (slightly) from my previous night's inebriation, followed by a full day of narcotic abuse (that's Neurofen, Paracetemol and Anadin you understand, hahaha - right!) However, I was in far better shape than Baz, who'd been talked into coming along against his own judgement, having just come off a two day bender. I'd always imagined they'd charge by the hour, but Baz definitely said it was 2 days...     I digress. So, the game!

13 of us rolled up at Las Bagshot, where our ever-genial host, Andy, had arranged for a couple of new guests to provide a further challenge for the old Dogs. Ashley (recently out of Uni and looking to test his poker skills in the wider world) and Craig, who advised that he was something to do with the chemicals industry. I immediately decided to keep in with Craig, but my anticipation that he might be a dodgy dealer was soon dashed. No matter, they both played to a decent standard and were good company. So, how did we all fare? Well, I know you all read this stuff on work time (hey, I write it during mine), so I'll keep it fairly brief:

Baz - Had AA 3 times before freeze-out. It paid him twice, notably with G & Lindz all-in on the same hand. G had top pair with the flop (JJ) and Lindz had pocket KK. However, on Baz's third pocket AA, Craig went all-in with TT & hit trips. Baz pretty much found it steadily going against him from there, and was out soon after me.

Graham & Lindz - I don't think G could even catch a cold at the moment. He seems to have taken over from Phil in the crap card stakes, and Lindsey's form (lovely though it is) just didn't last this week. However, they both managed to stick around for the final table - longer than me.

Ashley - Played a tight game, but maybe a little too tight to have accumulated many chips. Eventually taken out on AJo by Lindz who hit K on the flop with her KJo.

Adam - Tried throwing everybody off by playing a sober game. Kaliber?!?! He can never go back to the North East again... I think he probably managed a few when he got home though - just to get over being taken out with AQs by Andy's quad tens.

Pete - Got taken out by Andy's boat (AAA22) on the very next hand. Earlier, Pete had folded on the river to Andy's raise, having missed the fact that he'd hit a straight (wheel).

Del - Beaten soon after freeze-out (on the same hand as G) to Craig, who'd been chip leader on our table, and now moved ahead of the rest on the final table.

Phil and Dave - Both were fairly low in chips. Blinds up every 15 minutes; Phil simply got blinded out. Dave went out on pocket 77 when Craig's suited big slick paired an A.

Nick - Played as well as usual, even wresting the chip lead from Craig. But with blinds at 2K-4K, everyone was being very wary. A7s must have looked pretty good, right until Andy hit yet another boat (KKK22).

Heads up - Despite taking Nick out, Andy was clearly low stack to Craig, and the blinds were 3.5K-7K, and just about to go up again. Andy finally went all-in, only to see Craig hit a (superfluous) straight. Congratulations, Craig - another first-time guest has the Dogs put down.

EPILOGUE

The success of our guests is making it harder for the Dogs to score league points regularly. As the (rather fortunate, and no doubt temporary) current league leader, I ought to be happy about that. I'm not. I suspect that the rest of the pack is finding it equally frustrating, but are simply too inexperienced to whinge on a professional level. Having said that, I like to think that all the weekend games I play against Graham are having an effect on him. He's becoming fairly adept at bad-beat-itis...

On reflection, I think being grumpy in my dotage might not be such a bad idea. After all, there are plenty of charlatans who'll take advantage of us oldies if you let them. Take a look at this advert that I recently received with my Zimmer frame and incontinence pants deliveries:

Are you aged 50 -80?

Hmmm,  I SAID,  "ARE...  YOU...  AGED...  50...  TO... 80?"   Hello... ? Hello?!!   OK, let's try this:

Are you aged 50-80?

Look, if you can't even fucking remember you senile old duffer, then you probably are, so

APPLY TODAY FOR THE

SCUM LIFE GUARANTEED OVER 50 PLAN

We guarantee to check that you're over 50 before we rip you off!

Because if you are, you can't be turned down for this life insurance cover! That's right, life insurance. You're getting on a bit now, aren't you? You should be thinking about death, wills, and insurance offers like this, shouldn't you, dear? No-one's going to live forever, are they? And at your age, frankly, it won't be long now. That's why you need to consider this incredible offer!

"Take a look at these amazing benefits!"

says Thora Hird (note from legal: apparently, we have to drop them after they die) says Gloria Mummified (yes, her off the telly, so you KNOW it's not a con - in fact, I'm surprised you haven't filled in the form already!) Well, here you go then, we've got just what you need. Take a look at this unbelievable offer! We'll wait while you get your reading specs on - why not have a lovely cuppa as well to add to that nice, warm feeling of comfort? All we ask is that you don't go to the lav until after you've contacted us. OK? Good.

Gloria Mummified yesterday - lame, but still alive (just)

(well, she was at about 11.00 am anyway)

HERE ARE ALL YOUR SCUM LIFE GOODIES

m  A free pen. That?s COMPLETELY FREE - just for giving us your details! WOW!

Because once we've got you on our system, you'll be fucked. Not only will we continually bombard you with junk mail (even after you're dead) until our premiums seem cheap - if only because it means we'll stop harassing you with phone calls during East Enders...  Besides, how much do you think a pen is worth? We buy them in bulk from Taiwan and chuck 'em in a shitty little plastic box and you, our feeble-minded, coffin-dodging target market, seem impressed. It's all we can do not to piss our pants, something we're sure you're all familiar with.

m  The comfort of knowing Gloria has endorsed this product! That's her actual scrawl handwriting above, using one of our free pens, and then digitally re-mastered in order to make it just about semi-legible. Just think! You could be using the same pen as Gloria before the week's out.

Naturally! With all the wedge we're paying her, she was never going to say no! After all, she's knocking on herself, and realising what a shit deal we're offering, she had to do something to leave a bit for the kids after throwing away all her dough on plastic surgery, wild celebrity orgies and crack cocaine...

m  Previous endorsements from Thora, June Whitfield, Frank Bough, and that David Jacobs bloke. Plus! Coming soon - anyone else too crap and too old to get proper TV work that you're likely to trust. Someone like Richard Whiteley (IRP), for example. (Clue: TON YAN EMRO). We?ll see who we can dig up.

Jesus! You really are that gullible, aren't you? And the beauty is, you're never going to be able to make a successful complaint, because we'll tie you up with legal red tape for so long, you'll be dead before any verdict. And let's face it, your family won't fancy it in the midst of their grief. Cool.

m  Free welcome gift! As soon as you accept that we can take all your spare cash for fuck-all benefit, we'll send you your choice of free gift. (That's an oxymoron by the way - gifts are free by definition. Coincidentally, we think of our customers as just plain morons). Choose from a digital camera, or a DVD player with remote!

That's a fantastic 30 pixels per square inch camera, so everything will be just as blurry as your own vision! You won't need any film either because it's digital, but you'll never be able to print them out because you can't work a computer. The DVD player will confuse you even more. First, you'll need to get someone else to wire it in to your radiogram, then you'll find it won't play any of your videos, and alhough it's got a remote, even after you've bought a disc that fits, you'll still have to get up to put it in the machine. Instructions in Taiwanese. Gas-powered. You couldn't sell it at a car boot sale.

Apply today for the plan designed for you